Monday, September 19, 2005

iiiiiimmmm moving out.

everyone move to new forum goodness

Sunday, September 18, 2005


this boat is obvisouly sinking....

i started the blog back up hoping that it would be awesome but its not...

its not the same without kira posting.

im also taking down the again...

its not the same without kira photoshoping images.

this time im doing it all myself. i am going to host my own blog on a new i am also going to host my own fotolog type site on the new

i may change the name too. i dunno.

i doubt it will get much more use than the few of us who post here now, but it will be something to learn to do.

so wait around.


Friday, September 16, 2005


bush has made it ok for companies restoring hurricane disaster areas to pay less than minimum wage. i probably shouldnt be critical of him because of where i am. feel free to do it yourself.

i a completely unrelated issue....

a living example

would living my life as an example to everyone conflict with my thoughts on being an invidual and not giving a shit what other people think?

would living as an example even make you happy.

if you do what makes you happiest are you selfish?

Thursday, September 15, 2005


maybe i shoud go to school here. i could get into the school of writing and poetics and learn to meditate.

maybe that would be a good way for me to center and calm down.

it would be one hell of a way to grow as a person and a writer. go from the military to a private buhdist school in boulder colorado founded my naropa, waldman, and ginsberg.


i am so happy! how are you

You scored 84 on the Happily Ever After Scale!
You seem happy and hopeful. Good for you. Take the time to appreciate the joy and love that exists around you. Share the joy and love with others, and you will find even more happiness.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 79% on HEA points
Link: The Happily Ever After Test written by ottawa_dog on Ok Cupid

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

oh man it seems

like i always want to be something different when i grow up.

i need to grow up soon.

ive spent my entire adult life in the army. when i get out on march 1 2007 i will have 7 years of federal service behind me. way behind me. do you understand the lack of responsibility that goes along with being in the army?

sure you sign for millions of dollars of tax payer bought equipment. sure you are trained to kill people from 300 meters away with a peice of metal a little biggr than the end of a ball point pen. you even get sent to foreign countries to secure long forgoten common people democracy. you have to be prepared to die to do this. the army teaches you that too.

Im talking about real responsibility though. the kind that pays rent and impresses your girlfriend and her parents. maybe they dont need impressing because they love you but it still feels good to hold your head up high at meals and talk about all the important things you are doing at your important job.

all this time ive been an adult ive always known i was leaving soon. on active duty i knew i had a paycheck and place to live. i knew i was going to korea or iraq so i didnt need to save money then because i might not come home. enjoy it while you got it because you dont know when it leaves you. got off active duty and knew i was going to the national guard in a month. got in the national guard and knew i was going to georgia for 6 months. got back from georgia and buckled down, i got a job within a week of being home. i got into school. i got comfortable with kira. it was great. my life was starting after all that time of being caught between deployments and activations. a month after i got home i was told i was going to afghanistan. fuck it dood. goodbye job, goodbye school, hello booze, hello mississippi, goodbye kira, hello heat, dust, mountains, pashtuns, daris, ana, dutch marines, ak47s, rpgs and landmines.

now in less than a year i will be home. ill have three months before i have to go to drill again. then after that i have 6 months or so untill i am done with the army for the rest of my life. time to grow up again, start my life again, hello new job, new city, new school. hello kira, hello friends, hello family, hello new place to live.

im ready to kick all of it in the ass. there is so much i am interested in though. like being an anthropologist, a lawyer, a writer, FUCKING GONZO!, maybe whatever a person with a literary degree is.

in iraq i wanted to go to law school and become a contract lawyer. then i wanted to buy a winnebego and go from kansas city to gainsville signing bands back and fourth while i sent them to keeth who would open a recording studio and make the music. then i wanted to be a journalist and i met kira. we both cant be journalist can we? i want to be more of a norman mailer, tom wolfe, HST tpye journalist. i dont imagine we could have worked in the same city at the same job so i just let it go. then i wanted to fix computers for a living. jesus not anymore. i ended up pouring concrete, working for the DNC, and selling tight fitting clothes to underage girls.

its really time for me to go to college. i dont know what to pic though. there is only one thing i really want to have when i get older and that is kira around to tell me when im being an ass, to tell me when im being a great person, and to tell me when i need to buckle down, save money and take things more seriously. thats my real ambition. that pays real well.

not the kind of payment that pays rent, but it still might impress her parents.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Knitter Directed a Video

"Buddha (go! go! go!)" Video by Zeitgeist Auto Parts Directed by Chris Knitter

Windows Media Player

well its supposed to make

it'll all work out.

i am not a big fan of silence.

i love it quite, dont get me wrong.


i typed some lines of generic ranting and raving about being here.

only nice things though. being a good person is hard.

i need support.

im sad.

Monday, September 12, 2005


i take a deep breath.
sometimes it helps when i close my eyes.
when i breathe out i feel my shoulders sink
and my head nod forward slightly

it is another day
and there is almost nothing i can do about it
being a day
most things in my life are not under my control

i take a deep breath.
my head nods and bounces
i understand its another day
i should make the most of it
i shoud do one thing constructive
at least one thing nice for someone
without a hint or a question

nothing destructive.

i breathe normal.
its still another day.

i know you are busy

but how is everyone and what have you been up to?

i have had one hell of a month.

if anyone has read wally lambs "this i know is true" then you might have some sort of idea what i have been feeling.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

its lunch time

and the cooks made french dip subs. that shit was good. so far today i have crossed out 5 of the 23 things on my to do list.

writing letters home is one of them i have not yet. i need to do that. im getting so much support from so many people an di havent returned the support. im working on it. thats part of my goal too.

ive been running again. when i feel like my life is shitty, like the walls arent real and i have to reach out and touch them to make sure they are not simply walls i have built myself, when i feel like i have never left this place and everything at home is a dream, i go running. just like forrest gump. everyone out there probably kows that i get self destrcutive sometimes and run on auto pilot in no good direction. well, running helps a lot. really, if you feel self destructive just go exercise untill you cant even shit. there is no point in cutting yourself, or beating yourself, or drinking yourself into a stupor that causes more problems and much more anxiety. just fucking run. it clears my head. it hurts very bad. after i remember i am alive and i have goals and a list of things to do to continue tryign to reach. i dont feel like laying in my bed all day hiding behind my chain of command. ill actually be nice and help spc secfor who watches my ass with huge guns during convoys, who only needs an ethernet cable so he can write home to his family, friends and children. if i tell that kid to fuck off i might have caused some duress for him and his family. running and keeping an analytical journal of how my actions effects others has been a wonderful way for me to watch what i have become and keep track of where i am going.

its going to be a long year. i hope everything goes back to normal when i get home.
pat is a good pal. kim is a good pal. my brother as well.

one year from home. i have to let everyone at home be happy without me. i have to let peopel care about me.

one year here. i will read a lot. become better read and hopefully smarter. i will continue to do microsoft classes and work towards taking a ceertification test upon my return. i will continue to eat healthy and limit the the amount of th eawesome snacks have been sent. i will keep runing for two more weeks then after i get m y weight down more i will add in muscle groups on my running off days.

thats me thinking outloud. feel free to do the same. who knows, we might start a conversation.


Wednesday, September 07, 2005

my goal

is to be a good person. i havent always been. my goal is to also make this happen effortlessly. a seamless transition if you will.

what music have you been listening to?

for my money, ha not really my money i guess...

the best 16 and a half minutes of music lately has been the segue at the end of abbey road. its like a good book or good movie. it is a good song. there are so many parts. some parts of it i get misty. you never give me your money reminds me of someone just starting out their life who doesnt really know what is going to happen.

You never give me your money
You only give me your funny paper and in the middle of negotiations you break down
I never give you my number only give you my stationin and in the middle of investigationI break down
Out of college, money spent
See no future, pay no rent
All the money's gone, nowhere to go
Any jobber got the sack
Monday morning, turning backY
Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go
But oh, that magic feeling, knows where to go
Oh, that magic feeling
Nowhere to go...

i love when he says oh that magic feeling. its like a memory of something in the past. it even feels like he is talking about getting high to be happy. oooohhhh that magic feeling. he longs. i like that part

Here comes the sun king
Here comes the sun king
Everybody's laughing
Everybody's happy
Here comes the sun king

Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon
Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol
Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel

there is so much more.

once there was a way to get back home and boy your going to carry that weight for a long time move me so much. it makes me sad.
it makes me think of a relationship that the wheels are spinning in but neither are excited about. but then...
oh yeah oh right are you gonna be in my dreams tonight and
in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make is a beautiful reconciliation.

some of the best 16 minutes of music. i dig it.

what do you dig these days?


Monday, September 05, 2005

this is chapman

i couldn't resize the pic so it'd fit in the blog.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

its good to be back

I just sent out an assload of invitations so everyone should be a contributor again. i had some issues. i forgot a lot of things but i have remembered them.

everyone thank kira for being such a bad ass girlfriend. she really does way to much for me. she is in her last year of college now. wish her luck. good luck baby i love you.

how is everyone else?

knitter is gutting houses, i know jason minard is a new dad, so justin is in uncle mode.

chris and annalyn are about to get married. that should be bad ass they both rule.

dan, juice,nathan, and tina are being bad ass roomates and sending kick ass packages and letters. i owe you all a letter and i will start writing them manana. the lza's and my moms mail come in too.

keeth has a new apartment with ryan.

el spania is making cookies instead of studying.

pat isnt online. that amazes me. i hope he isnt dead and or out of money. that kid kicks ass.

the website and fotolog are coming back. its been a very strange three weeks.

ps. im reading sherlock holmes. what are you?